Hello underlings. Big boss here with a mid-season review of all I survey.
It is my happy task to reassure you all. Our game is in the best of hands and in a wonderful condition.
Yes, I hear concerns from those beneath me, from the man in the street, the woman in the kitchen, but let me tell you, you must agree with everything I say. Things could be no better.
I will present some issues that have been raised with me, and respond with a very truthful answer. It may not appear to be truthful, you may not believe me. I really do not care. I have top job and you don’t.
1. “The Easter round and the following round wherein we had games on pretty much every day of the week for 2 weeks was just ridiculous and played havoc with my tips”.
Stiff. I don’t care. How can too much football ever be too much? We do these things for reasons you do not need to concern yourself with. You are not that smart really. Just rest assured we do it for the good of the game. Think of Rugby League. You wouldn’t want that to happen would you?
2. “The Jack Trengove suspension of 3 weeks for applying what all pundits describe as ‘the perfect tackle’ was a case of the league sending a message, by making an example of a player from a club with a poor supporter base and no political clout. By contrast Daisy Thomas deliberately punches a bloke in the face, gets one week, Jarrad Waite deliberately kicks a bloke in the balls, gets nothing. 50 other examples of the same Trengove tackle, some with worse injury consequences, get nothing but applause. I could go on.
Do you think maybe the AFL should get back to FOOTBALL and put the moralising and lesson-giving a bit of a break?”
Look, Melbourne deserve what they get. Everyone knows they’re silvertails and public sympathy for them is ultimately as deep as a Justin Bieber song. Who would you rather bastardise? In fact we’re particularly proud that in both games since Trengove has come back we’ve had one of our umpires deliberately back into him, just so we can gouge an extra fine from him each week for umpire contact. Oh yes, he may be an upstanding individual, but we must teach players not to question the ultimate authority. Football is no place for upstanding individuals who question. Them and their little tweeting mates.
Back to Melbourne... The Scully thing. When... if he leaves, it’s their own fault. They were never supposed to stage an off-field recovery anyway. Bloody Jim Stynes. They should have merged with the Hawks back in ‘96. Then they would have ‘won’ a flag in ‘08. And my Kanga’s wouldn’t have to look to Tassy because there would be less competition in the local scene. Everyone knows the new GWS team, which, look into my eyes, deep into my eyes, will become a much loved part of the local community, will be far more important to the longevity of the game than the founding and oldest club. Everyone.
Did I mention the Demons are silvertails?
3. “Umpiring just seems to get worse and worse each year. The new ‘advantage’ rule seems to be drawing criticism weekly, the holding the ball interpretation is a constant problem, and umpire consistency is frankly a joke. Umpires are like acting. You don’t notice good acting, but you sure as hell notice bad acting. Has someone ever explained to them no-one shows up to watch the umpiring?”
Umpiring today is of the highest standard ever. If a player is pinged for holding the ball, while in fact his tackler is the only one with hands on the ball, both hands, as I saw last week, this is a true interpretation of the rules. True interpretation. I can’t explain why, but I don’t need to. If a player takes advantage, and it’s not... well it’s HIS FAULT. The more fault that lies with players, the better it is for us.
4. “What was your opinion of Eddie McGuire’s claim that a fellow spectator’s comments were racist, when in fact, if anything the comments simply referred to a player's criminal record without the merest hint of race. Surely it was Eddie himself making an instinctive and racially bigoted link between criminality and aboriginality?”
Look, Eddie is Collingwood. I only make scathing observations of the more poorly supported clubs. Do you take me for a fool?
5.”With the recent re-election of Sep Blatter as head of surely the most corrupt sports body in the world, the question should be asked what are the terms of your tenure, and how can we get rid of you?”
Sep is a good friend and mentor of mine. It’s NOT HIS FAULT that some dodgy African and South American officials were caught. I’m sure they will be more careful next time. I’m staying here, you can’t get rid of me, I have a stronger power base than Gaddafi.
6. It seems that the worst thing about AFL football at the moment is the AFL itself. Surely your focus is on money and personal power rather than the welfare of our on-field game, its supporters and grass roots?”
That’s just silly.
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